Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
