i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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