were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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