i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
