I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
