Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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