A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Randomize