i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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