i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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