So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
