Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
