Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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