You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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