Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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