I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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