god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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