Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
