Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
