turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
