ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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