He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
