I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
