i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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