woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
