I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
