NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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