I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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