so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
