come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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