Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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