We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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