My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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