I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
