he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
