Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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