We're like a lot better than the average bears
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
