Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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