I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
