i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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