Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
