So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
