he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
