Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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