The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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