piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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