Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
