WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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