guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
