remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
