i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
