I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
