My underwear smells like fireworks.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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