Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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