Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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